As the worst winter in recent memory finally loosens its 3-month long grip on the Northeast, evidence is beginning to emerge regarding the disappearance of two of the region’s top measurers.
As the last snow melted in New York and temperatures finally moved above the freezing mark for an extended period, road repair crews from the New York State Department of Transportation began the daunting task of filling in the several thousand potholes that have developed on state roads as a result of the heavy snows coupled with extended sub-freezing temperatures. Some of these potholes are almost unbelievably large, big enough to swallow small automobiles and wreak havoc on the tires, wheels and suspensions of larger vehicles.
While preparing to repair one of these axle-busters on Long Island earlier this week, work crews made a gruesome discovery: a bicycle rider at the bottom of the six-foot (2 meter) deep hole, covered in a mixture of road salt, sand, and refrozen slush, the remains of the almost innumerable snowstorms that have blanketed the area since mid-January.
Identification of the rider proved difficult, as the slush and sand mixture had obliterated most identifying features. After extensive work by members of the NYPD’s forensic unit, investigators were able to discern a reflective safety vest emblazoned with the words “Course Measurer” and the USATF and AIMS logos.
But what really provided a breakthrough was the discovery on the cyclist's wrist of a Casio combination watch/calculator, of which only a few hundred such units were ever produced, and even fewer purchased. The additional discovery of an IAAF Competition rule book in one of the cyclist’s pockets led investigators to believe the rider was one of a handful of “A” level course measurers who are also IAAF Chief Technical Officers. Authorities are currently attempting to ascertain his identity by contacting the IAAF Executive Council, which has thus far proven next to impossible as its members are on a whirlwind tour of sites for the 2021 World Championships, being wined, dined and bribed by the various local organizing committees.
Meanwhile, a similarly shocking discovery was being made in Boston, a city which endured a record snowfall of more than 10 feet (3.1 meters) this winter, and saw snowbanks on city streets routinely reach higher than the heads of all but a few members of the local Celtics basketball team.
As relatively warmer temperatures arrived in the Hub this week these snowbanks began to melt, and with the city’s storied marathon less than a month away, municipal crews began using heavy equipment to expedite the process.
It was during one such excavation on Storrow Drive, a busy thoroughfare along the Charles River, that crews discovered the frozen body of a cyclist, preserved as well as some prehistoric wooly mammoth, caught in the midst of his final actions on earth.
The cyclist held a small notebook and pen in his frozen fingers, and appeared to be bent over, almost as if he was gazing intently at the front wheel of his bicycle. When the ice and snow were finally chipped away, some sort of Rube Goldberg-esque device, consisting of gears and a mechanical digital counter, appeared to be attached to the front axle. Investigators remain stumped as to its purpose, since the number of counts produced by each wheel revolution appear to have no relation to any recognizable integer.
In other news that may or may not be related to the aforementioned two stories, numerous race organizers attempting to contact David Katz to procure his services for timing upcoming running events found their calls being diverted straight to voice mail. And in Massachusetts, Steve Vaitones of the state track officials group reported that their laser measuring device, last known to be in the possession of Justin Kuo, has been missing since the first big snowstorm of the season in January.
Lame-duck U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder is expected to convene a special task force of the FBI, NSA and RRTC to determine:
A. If the two frozen cyclists are indeed Katz and Kuo;
B. If their demise was simply a tragic meteorological coincidence or the first strike in a well-orchestrated attack, perhaps by al Queda or ISIS, on the U.S. course measurement movement; and
C. What the hell they were doing out on a bicycles in single-digit temperatures in a blinding blizzard in the first place.
Stay tuned to this bulletin board for further developments in this case as they happen.
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