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In a lifetime of running, Gene Newman has been many things: competitor, coach, official, measurer, certifier, course registrar, RRTC Chair. And now, add one more title to that list: Undersecretary of Demetrification, a sub-cabinet level post newly created directly by President Donald Trump.
"For many years, this country has fallen behind the rest of the world in running, and I can trace that decline to the switch to 400-meter tracks and 5 and 10Ks on the road," said Trump during a press conference announcing Newman's appointment. "Switching to the metric system was one of the worst deals President Obama ever negotiated." When informed that the trend towards metric courses began during the Reagan administration, Trump characteristically dismissed that as "fake news" and just kept bloviating.
"Keeping at least one promise I made during the campaign, that slide ends now - we're going to make American running great again. And that begins by ending measurements in meters and kilometers. From now on, we're going to measure our road races with American miles, American miles! "
When reached at his home in Arizona for a reaction to the appointment to this latest post, Newman expressed some degree of puzzlement. "I can't figure out why Trump picked me," he said. "I don't know him, I don't like him, I didn't even vote for him. This measurement business is like the Mob - every time you try to get out, they keep dragging you back in. Now quit bothering me and let me get back to my tennis game before the temperature hits triple digits."
Although Newman has yet to officially begin his duties, the Trump crackdown on metric distances began immediately. Agents from the Bureau of Measurement and Standards descended in multiple surprise raids at races across the country Saturday, brandishing court orders demanding that distances be shortened from 5 km to 3 miles. And BAA officials, organizers of the storied Boston Marathon, braved a late-season snowstorm trying to erase 5 km markings from their course with race day a little more than two weeks away. "Well, at least we'll save money on some split timing mats," said marathon race director Dave McGilivray. "Heck, maybe we can even go back to the old days when there were only odd-distance splits at the railroad stations along the route."
Ohio measurer Mike Wickiser was among the first to see the potential bright side of the new edict. "All those 5 and 10Ks I've measured over the years are now going to need to be 'downsized' - I can see several years' worth of weekend measuring work ahead - heck, I can probably put a hefty down payment on a new Harley with the certification fees alone."
There was, however, also an ugly downside to the situation. Shortly after the news became public, Oklahoma measurer and metric maven Bob Baumel was arrested in Washington, D.C. while trying to scale the White House fence, brandishing a banner reading, "Give Them 2.54 Centimeters and They'll Take 1.6 Kilometers!"
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It took me a while to get back to the Forum, but Jim, I enjoy your April 1 posts! Always creative, and always believable, on some level.

I wondered how you would work Bob into the story, as he fits this story perfectly!

I also can hear Gene saying "let me get back to my tennis game before the temperature hits triple digits."

Kudos on another great post!

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